


Settling

by Robin Hood (kjack89)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Closeted Character, Heartbreak, M/M, Past Relationship(s), no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22174891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/pseuds/Robin%20Hood
Summary: Rafael was broken from his reverie by a cheerful and somewhat familiar voice asking, “Are you here for the wedding?”, followed by a surprised gasp and a questioning, “Mr. Barba?”Of course — Sonny’s sister Bella. Just Rafael’s luck that the sister who spotted him would be the only one who also recognized him.Rafael forced a smile, reaching automatically for the wedding bulletin she had started to extend to him before freezing when she realized who he was. “That’s right,” he said, his smile faltering as he looked down at the program. “I’m here for the wedding.”A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE, the front of the bulletin read, followed by, DOMINICK CARISI, JR. AND AMANDA ROLLINS, THE CHURCH OF ST. CLARE, STATEN ISLAND, NY.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 23
Kudos: 66





	Settling

**Author's Note:**

> It should go without saying that this is not what I _want_ to see happen, not by any stretch. But this is where I see the endgame for Carisi headed, and let's just say that this was my attempt to try and make a semblance of a peace with it.
> 
> Even if that peace ain't exactly a happy one.
> 
> Usual disclaimer. Please be kind and tip your fanfic writers in the form of comments and/or kudos!

Rafael stared up at the imposing red brick façade of the church, debating just as he had the entire ferry ride over if this was a good idea. He’d come to the conclusion that, good or bad, this was something he had to do.

But that wasn’t enough, apparently, to force him to set foot into the building.

He was broken from his reverie by a cheerful and somewhat familiar voice asking, “Are you here for the wedding?”, followed by a surprised gasp and a questioning, “Mr. Barba?”

Of course — Sonny’s sister Bella. Just Rafael’s luck that the sister who spotted him would be the only one who also recognized him.

Rafael forced a smile, reaching automatically for the wedding bulletin she had started to extend to him before freezing when she realized who he was. “That’s right,” he said, his smile faltering as he looked down at the program. “I’m here for the wedding.”

A CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE, the front of the bulletin read, followed by, DOMINICK CARISI, JR. AND AMANDA ROLLINS, THE CHURCH OF ST. CLARE, STATEN ISLAND, NY.

Rafael swallowed hard before tearing his eyes away and looking back up at Bella, who looked torn between concern and disapproval. “Mr. Barba, I’m not really sure that you should be here—”

“I just need to talk to Sonny,” Rafael interrupted. “I promise I’m not here to—” He broke off, because honestly, he still wasn’t entirely sure what he hoped to get out of this, except for one thing. “Please, Bella. I just need to talk to him.”

Bella hesitated, still looking torn, before she nodded, just once, and glanced around. “Follow me,” she told him in an undertone, jerking her head toward the side of the building. Rafael arched an eyebrow but followed her nonetheless, heading around toward a back entrance. “Amanda’s in the rectory with the bridal party, so Sonny’s been exiled to the school auditorium to avoid accidentally seeing her.”

Rafael jerked a nod before asking, with mild, somewhat detached curiosity, “Are you not in the bridal party?”

“Of course not,” Bella said with a snort. “I’m a groomswoman.”

Rafael managed a laugh, though it was weak. “Well, you’ve always been his favorite.”

Bella’s smile disappeared. “No,” she said softly, “someone else held that title for awhile.” She pulled the side door open and indicated that Rafael should head inside. As she shut the door after him, Rafael was pretty sure she muttered, “Good luck.”

He blinked against the sudden transition from sunshine outside to dim light inside, and it took him a moment to locate Sonny, sitting in the third row of the auditorium, his head bowed as if in prayer, and for a moment, Rafael hesitated before approaching. 

Sonny looked up as he approached, his eyes widening when he realized who it was, and he stood. The breath caught in Rafael’s throat as he saw Sonny in his immaculate black tux, a simple white rose pinned against his lapel. “Barba?” Sonny asked, in a hoarse whisper.

Rafael swallowed, hard, before asking, aiming for levity and missing by a mile, “Why are you whispering?”

Sonny jerked a shrug, still staring at him like he couldn’t quite believe that he was there. “Because we’re in a church,” he said, somewhat closer to his normal volume.

Rafael arched an eyebrow. “We’re in a school auditorium,” he pointed out.

Sonny scowled. “There’s still a cross,” he said, looking pointedly at the crucifix hanging on the wall.

“There’s an American flag too, and yet I don’t hear you singing the national anthem.”

Again, Rafael aimed for humor, but judging by the dark look that crossed Sonny’s expression, he hadn’t succeeded. “If your plan was to show up here on my wedding day and make me feel stupid, then congratulations, you’ve done it,” Sonny said, his voice low. “So you can go.”

Rafael winced. “That’s not why I came here.”

“Then why are you here?” Sonny asked sharply. “Because last time I checked, you didn’t make the invite list.”

“I thought it might have gotten lost in the mail,” Rafael said, one last attempt at humor, but again, Sonny didn’t so much as crack a smile. Rafael sighed. “I know you don’t want me here—”

“I never said that,” Sonny said, and when Rafael just stared at him, he winced and added, “I mean, there are a lotta reasons why you shouldn’t be here, but, uh, it’s not because I don’t want you here.”

Rafael made a skeptical noise. “Then why not invite me?”

Sonny gave him a look. “Because I didn’t think you would want to be here.”

“And I never said that,” Rafael countered.

“You didn’t have to,” Sonny said with a sigh, sitting back down and resting his arms on the back of the seat in front of him. “I know you don’t approve.” He glanced over at Rafael, his expression wry. “Just like I know you came here to tell me I’m making a huge mistake.”

“No,” Rafael said evenly, “mainly because it sounds like you don’t need me to be the one to tell you that.”

Sonny shook his head. “It’s not a mistake,” he said firmly, though Rafael couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to convince Rafael or himself. “For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”

Rafael couldn’t help it — he let out a disbelieving snort. “Leaving the DA’s office and going back to being a cop?” he practically spat. “And marrying your female colleague on top of it?”

Sonny didn’t look at Rafael, a muscle working in his jaw as he stared straight ahead. “She’s my best friend, not just a ‘female colleague’, but yeah,” he said, as if that clarification made it any better. “Which disappoints you more?”

There was a challenge in his voice, but Rafael couldn’t bring himself to rise to it. Instead, he sat down as well, feeling like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. “I honestly don’t know,” he said softly, sighing before scrubbing a hand across his face and saying, as carefully and as non-accusatory as he could, “Forgive me for being the one to point this out but I feel like someone needs to state the obvious here — you’re gay.”

Sonny’s shoulders stiffened, but when he spoke, he sounded far more relaxed then he looked. “So?”

Rafael barked a sharp, surprised laugh. “So I thought the DA’s office was going to be your fresh start,” he said, heat rising in his voice. “You told me that you were going to come out, you were going to finally be everything you’ve always wanted to be. Instead, you’re back at the NYPD and you’re marrying a woman. So forgive me if I’m a little skeptical of your claim that this is where you’re meant to be.”

“What’s your point?” Sonny asked tiredly.

“My point is that maybe I’m not the one whose disappointment you need to worry about.”

Sonny shook his head again. “I’m not disappointed in myself, if that’s what you’re implying.”

Rafael couldn’t quite contain his skepticism. “Really?”

“No.” Sonny didn’t say it sharply, or defiantly. He said the word calmly, as if he’d spent a long time thinking about it. “If anything, I’m proud of myself. Because I finally know what I want.”

Rafael sneered. “You want to live a lie?”

Sonny sighed. “I want to be happy,” he said simply. “I want a family. And this is my opportunity to have everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“And does your soon to be wife know that you prefer men to her?”

Again, Rafael delivered the words somewhat harsher than he meant to, but Sonny didn’t recoil from the heat in Rafael’s voice. “Amanda’s going into this with her eyes wide open,” he told Rafael. “She wants someone who loves her girls, and I want the same. I know that you’ve never felt this way about kids, but God, Raf, I love those girls.” Sonny’s tone softened in a way Rafael had rarely heard. “I love them as if they were my own, and since I’m adopting them as soon as we’re married, they’re gonna be my own.” His voice hardened again. “So yeah, it may not be what you would’ve chosen if you were in my shoes—”

Rafael shook his head. “I was in your shoes,” he said evenly. “I know exactly what you’re feeling. Which is why I know that you’re not making the right choice.”

Sonny stared at him. “You have no idea how I feel.”

“Don’t I?” Rafael asked. “You don’t think that after William Lewis walked out of the courtroom because I couldn’t put him behind bars, and then kidnapped Liv, you don’t think that I didn’t blame myself?” Sonny shook his head but Rafael didn’t let him interrupt. “The difference is that I stayed and fought so that something like that would never happen again.”

Sonny’s eyes flashed. “Well, I guess as always, you’re a better man than me.”

The bitterness in Sonny’s voice hurt more than anything else, and it took a moment before Rafael added, softly, “I also didn’t convince myself that because I almost lost my best friend that it was a good enough reason to marry her.”

“No, you just convinced yourself that when you weren’t happy, the best thing for you to do was burn it all down and leaving.” Sonny still sounded bitter, and Rafael flinched. “But I’m not you, Raf. And I determined to be happy here, now, in whatever way I can be.”

“But you’re not in love with her.”

Rafael delivered the words plainly, but Sonny didn’t so much as blink at them. “Maybe not,” he said evenly. “Or maybe this is what love means. Maybe choosing this is enough.”

Rafael shook his head. “You don’t really mean that.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Sonny asked, a challenge in his voice. “I was never gonna have a fairytale ending, Raf, I’ve known that for years.” Rafael made a small, disparaging sound and Sonny gave him a look. “You never wanted to be my happily ever after, Rafael. You made that perfectly clear.”

But Rafael had. It was the only thing he had ever wanted. The difference was, he had never found a way to settle, even if it meant getting everything he wanted.

And the difference between him and Sonny had never been so clear.

So he swallowed, hard, and took a moment before saying, his voice low, “Well I know I don’t need to say it, but you’re making a mistake.”

Sonny just shrugged. “Maybe,” he acknowledged. “Or maybe, like a million closeted, Catholic gay men before me, I’m figuring out what I can live with, and what I can’t.”

Sonny’s meaning hit Rafael like a ton of bricks. He could live without Rafael. Which meant it was long past time for Rafael to figure out how he was supposed to live without Sonny.

So he stood, numbly, and Sonny quickly stood as well. “I want you to be happy,” Rafael told Sonny, his voice sounding like it was coming from a thousand miles away.

Sonny looked at him carefully. “And do you believe me that this is what will make me happy?”

“No,” Rafael said, honestly. “But if today has taught me anything, it’s that this is no longer my fight.”

“Rafael—”

“I love you.” Rafael had told himself before he came that he wouldn’t say that, wouldn’t tell Sonny that. Sonny knew he did, and it did him no good to repeat himself here, but he couldn’t help it. If everything was to end here, it would end with him being honest in a way he hadn’t been able to bring himself to be for quite some time. “I have loved you for years, and I know where things went wrong between us and I know why you’re standing getting married to someone who is not me.” He met Sonny’s eyes evenly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I wish more than anything that it was me.”

Sonny’s expression was unreadable. “I love you, too,” he said, and every word was like a knife in Rafael’s chest. “I’ve always loved you, Raf.”

“Then why—”

“Because I’m choosing this. You and I—” Sonny broke off, his expression pained. “God, Raf, if I thought it would work, I would walk away from this wedding right now, i swear to God. But it wouldn’t. For so many reasons.” He broke off, taking a deep, steadying breath. “So I’m choosing what I know I can make work. And I hope one day you choose what makes you happy.”

There wasn’t a world in which Rafael wouldn’t choose Sonny. Not a single one — except for this one, where Rafael had a choice to walk away and let Sonny be happy in a way he never had been with Rafael. 

So he leaned in and kissed Sonny’s cheek. “I may not believe this is the right choice, but I hope you get everything you want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

“Thank you,” Sonny said softly.

“Rollins is a lucky woman,” Rafael told him, somewhat wryly.

Sonny laughed lightly. “Nah,” he said dismissively. “I’m the lucky one.”

Rafael nodded, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Best of luck,” he said, with as much sincerity as he could muster. “With everything.”

Something flickered in Sonny’s expression. “You can stay, if you want. I know you weren’t invited, but—”

“No.” Rafael knew that if he stayed, if he watched Sonny marry Rollins, his heart would break beyond repair. Instead, he forced a smile that didn’t remotely reach his eyes. “This is your day. And it’s long past time I let you have it.”

He turned to go, but to his surprise, Sonny grabbed his arm, pulling him into a hug. “I’m sorry,” Sonny whispered, his lips moving against Rafael’s hair.

Rafael pulled away, shaking his head. “Don’t,” he said sharply, planting a hand against Sonny’s chest, pushing against every instinct that told him to hold onto Sonny and never let him go. “Don’t. Be happy.”

Sonny rested his hand on top of Rafael’s. “I will,” he promised softly.

Rafael pulled his hand away, reaching up to cup Sonny’s cheek for just a moment before turning away, blinking back tears.

Sonny was choosing this. Rafael was choosing to walk away.

In a way, they were both settling.

But Rafael suspected that Sonny’s heart wasn’t breaking the way his was.


End file.
